Anyway, prepare to cringe.
5 JLS - Eyes Wide Shut
I hate JLS, I really do, for a multitude of reasons. I hate that they are the biggest commercial whores on the planet, and will do anything to please their preteenbase. I hate that I find myself, against my will, a tiny bit sexually excited by Marvin and Aston's frequently exposed man cleavage (oh come on, you do too), and I hate that sometimes a song by them will drill its way into my subconcious, like psychological bullying within the entertainment industry. They hire the right songwriters for their cause, no doubt. The bastards have the sickly sweet melodies and pristine R&B backing, but now the mothers have employed the kind of dancefloor filling Calvin Harris synths that are my weak point, and as a result the euphoric chorus pleases my ears a bit too much. Every cliche in the book, laced with A.T. and various other dancepop S.H.I.T.... I paid 99p for this on iTunes and have felt like self harming ever since.
Oh apparantly there's a version with Tinie Tempah.
4 Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo
"TALENTLESS TURD, TALENTLESS TURD, TALENTLESS TURD". Is what I find myself screaming in my head, or indeed out loud, when someone mentions this man. The solo american version of PMS, sorry JLS, Mr Derulo is a shameless whore for autotune and saccharine lyrics and arrangements, the Imogen Heap sample being the only slightly credible artistic display to his name. HOWEVER, the version of Ridin' Solo I listen to is based around a sample of its own, one that didn't make it to the record due to the band in question simply telling Derulo where to stick it. The string crescendos of the Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" are just enough to add colour to Derulo's would-be-oh-wait-actually-is unbearably obnoxious ode to self-love (the PG version). And due to that, I still find myself accentuating my voice to the vacuous words even now the sample is gone. I'm hooked. FUCK.
3 Cheryl Cole feat. Travis McCoy - Yeah Yeah
Messy Little Raindrops is messy, little and bollocks, and surely the worst album title of all time. And that cover hurts my eyes. And by God, can that woman really not sing one unassisted note? If anyone could save even one second of the record it's the producers. Give her a good song, and a massive backing to cover up the lack of talent. And so we have "Yeah Yeah", which I will concede is actually rather good, thank you Mr Stuart Price. Tumbling pianos and huge pulsating synths over nu-disco beats is hardly new ground for Price, ground which he has paced since Madonna's "Confessions on a Dance Floor", but it saves Cheryl from total irrelevance and her relative anonomity in "Yeah Yeah" admittedly allows the rhythm to take control. Travis McCoy spoils it a bit, but let's face it, it's just refreshing to enjoy a song by Cheryl Cole in any capacity. Refreshing, and a bit bizarre.
2 Nicki Minaj & Will.I.Am - Check it out
You know what? I fucking love this track. Yes it samples a novelty hit from the 80s, features music's Satan Will.I.Am, and the line "I can't believe it, this beat is banging", but oh Nicki, oh Nicki. When she opens her mouth, the shite becomes satirical and the crap becomes credible. And fuck me, "I just pop up on these hoes like some pimple shit, and put an iron to your face y'ol' wrinkle bitch". Who can argue with such angelic words?
1 Joe McElderry - Someone Wake Me Up
One of the ONLY original songs on McElderly's dire debut, "Someone Wake Me Up" could've saved this boys career if only he'd led with it. It's slushy and falsely emotional in a kind of Snow Patrol way, and those anthems guitars are straight from Kelly Clarkson's "lite" soundbite atalogue, but cock me. This is the clean shirted and beamy faced Joe that won the X Factor, and you know what? I really, really like the song, I think it's lovely. Oh and despite the song's request, don't wake me up just yet, I'm pretending that I live in a world where enjoying this is acceptable.
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